35+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week (December 14, 2024)

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  • 01
    Ciara Knight @Ciara_Knight They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1x8, or 6+9 6:17 AM 12/5/24 1.4M Views 66 t 4.7K 66K 1.2K 企
  • 02
    Simon Holland @simoncholland When I was your age we used to have to sleep on the sidewalk outside of Best Buy on Thanksgiving night just to fight a grandma at 5 AM to save $30 on a Nintendo Wii. 8:37 AM 11/29/24 12K Views 8 1733 344 4 ↑
  • 03
    sketchmasterskillz.bsky @sktchmstrskllz CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it's safe 8:01 PM 12/4/24 2.7M Views . 344 120K 217K ☐ 2.7K ↑
  • 04
    Amy Solomon @amybethsol When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about in the microwave is going down 4:35 PM 12/1/24 • 11M Views 903 17 20K 372K ☐ 14K I
  • 05
    Jared @b1g_damage seeing this sh in 1875 must have felt like seeing a cybertruck 11:44 AM 12/1/24 2.6M Views 151 17 7.8K 149K ☐ 2.3K 企
  • 06
    Carmely Sandiego @orangecrushable I have no desire to work now. I had five days off in a row where I dined at a feast and was entertained at a cinema. I have flown too high to return to a laptop. . 10:04 PM 12/1/24 • 2.2M Views 80 1 11K 117K 2.5K ↑
  • 07
    ThexyBeatht @ThexyBeatht_2 Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle .. 5:18 PM 12/1/24 22K Views • 33 1794 754 ☐ 19 .↑.
  • 08
    DemiLade @Iameniolamyde My Christmas tree has landed from Temu 6:30 AM 12/1/24 1.6M Views 1.2K 3.4K 31K ☐ 831 企
  • 09
    Rick Saratoga @toga_party_ This rocks. Imagine trying to pull a girl while wearing a duck costume NEW YORK POST New York Post @nypost. 21h Syracuse football reporter accuses Miami mascot of hitting on her during game trib.al/1zg3T7z Hurrican 7:42 PM 12/1/24 2.9M Views 195 1.2K 54K 1.2K 企
  • 10
    brady @noluckteeth Are the songs okay fidel cashflow @megatonbboy2000.1d Rick Ross says he is sitting on at least 2,825 unreleased songs. 4:25 PM 12/1/24 3.9M Views 586 27 7K 132K 1.9K ↑
  • 11
    Molly Morrison ❤ @mollyhannahm joe biden pardoning his son isn't enough. he needs to get him drafted by the lakers • 10:04 PM 12/1/24 637K Views . 35 1 1K 14K ☐ 238
  • 12
    Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi @roywoodjr A more brave front office would've moved granny to food prep years ago and switched to a solid platoon system of aunts and picked up a few daughter-in-law's in free agency. LILAFRIMANE @LORAFRIMANEE. 1d my grandma in her celtics shaq era of cooking food Mercy 10:25 PM 11/28/24 7.5M Views . 424 16K 185K ☐ 9K CC ☑
  • 13
    depositor Jon @JonnyMicro Absolutely zero chance a horse drew this deposic dzpost depositphotos 9:10 PM 11/29/24 31K Views 117 1172 depos depositphotos photos 1.3K 26 ↑
  • 14
    Eize Basa @PonchoRebound Conversation with my sister, Thanksgiving night: Is the Internet down? Mom turns the router and modem off when she goes to bed, she's afraid it might cause a fire. 8:50 PM 11/28/24 3M Views . 109 12.8K 146K 3K ↑
  • 15
    bfa agonistes @superloafcat are you in daycare? Dave Danna @DaveEDanna. 3d My wife packed me for thanksgiving Is this what being married is like? Gym #1 Gym Day #1 #3 Day #2 Day #3 Thanksgiving Gym #2
  • 16
    Matt Bateman @mbateman Crazy that "vanilla” is colloquial for “ordinary” as if vanilla wasn't an S-tier, insanely expensive spice 11:27 PM 11/27/24 800K Views > 257 2.1K 50K 1.2K 企
  • 17
    Darian Holt @D_1andOnly_ 6 They done gave you Kermit the Frog Mic Feel da manager @micfeel__.1d Popeyes this ain't no Turkey issa pigeon... gimmie my money back POPEYES FULLY COOKED Cajun-Style Turkey Hand-rubbed and infused with zesty Louisiana-style seasonings SIMPLY HEAT SERVE & ENJOY! gerated or Keep Refer Keep h 4:52 PM 11/27/24 8.6M Views 420 11K 176K 3.9K 企
  • 18
    Hale FC @awwhalenawl philip lewis @Phil_Lewis_.3h ESPN and Stephen A. Smith are closing in on a new contract that will give him potential access to other parts of Disney variety.com/2024/tv/news/e... 4:57 PM 12/3/24 773K Views 35 1 1.4K 12K ☐ 257 ↑
  • 19
    Tony Roundtree @Tonywithyy They look like a couple that is going to be on the new season of storage wars 4:16 PM 12/2/24.1M Views 135 17 888 22K ☐ 291 ↑
  • 20
    Dan White @atdanwhite Unbelievable 9:36 ☑ M Get your questions answered Find answers to the most commonly asked questions below. Search for topics you're interested in or sort by category. 79 How does Grimace breed? ☑ Q O result(s) "How does Grimace breed?" 12:37 PM 12/3/24 · 532K Views . 54 1622 13K ☐ 341
  • 21
    This... Uh... mktoon @mktoon This has honestly never EVER occurred to me. NBC DISNEY PARK LOCATIONS! PALM SPRINGS COINCIDENCE OR CONSPIRACY AccuWeather DISNEYLAND DISNEYWORLD 1:38 PM 12/3/24 2.4M Views 257 3.2K NBC PALM SPRINGS 62K 3.3K 企
  • 22
    Sassington, M.C. @MissSassbox this is my favorite calendar of all time. DECEMBER 2024 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 15 22 22 a 10 10 11 12 13 13 14 16 17 18 19 20 21 223 24 25 26 20 29 30 31 22 27 28 @mattsurelee Pretend to work Don't even pretend anymore Say you're going to start shopping for Christmas presents Actually start shopping for Christmas presents Nostalgia! Destroy your body with food and alcol Prepare for the inevitable disap- pointment that is New Year's Eve Realize that you got absolutely nothi
  • 23
    Ron Iver @ronnui_ You listen to cool music every day but play Mambo No. 5 one time and Spotify is like "Your number one artist this year is Lou Bega. We told him you want to meet him" 9:00 AM 8/10/20 290 23K 219K 1.5K ↑
  • 24
    Allie @Cluffalo "Okay but if you had to guess, roughly when do you think you'll be home from battle" 9:03 PM 12/3/24 912K Views . 193 17 2K 39K ☐ 2.4K ↑
  • 25
    Arav @aravarora Bro just came clean 10:59 .5G Apple→ To let you know it will cost you $250.11 to repair your AirPods So more expensive then just buying a new pair? In this case we normally advise customer to go to http://apple.com/ store and purchase a pair Ok is there a reason why the repair is more expensive then the product? I have no clue. 12:27 PM 12/2/24.5.5M Views 518 16.4K i 238K 5.8K ↑
  • 26
    rob @ok_but_still hope he's feeling better BNO BNO News NEWS @BNOFeed 2d 5 years ago today: A man in Wuhan, China starts feeling ill, becoming the first confirmed case of COVID-19 11:50 PM 12/1/24 7.6M Views 107 17 9.6K 279K 4.3K
  • 27
    Josh Trebach, MD @jtrebach babe wake up your surgery isn't done yet but we can't afford anymore anesthesia CRAVE POP Pop Crave @PopCrave. 1d Blue Cross Blue Shield will no longer cover anesthesia for the full length of certain surgeries in Connecticut, New York, and Missouri. If a surgery exceeds a specific duration, anesthesial costs for the additional time will not be covered. BlueCross. BlueShield. Ⓡ 5:20 PM 12/4/24 4.3M Views 498 14K 165K ☐ 2.5K ↑
  • 28
    Cole. @losangelesbey -1d Everybody asking how she got that as if her last name isn't Barrymore CRAVE POP Pop Crave ⭑@PopCrave 1d Drew Barrymore surprised Ariana Grande with Glinda's original wand from 'The Wizard of Oz.' 248 1 11K 277K 18K 企
  • 29
    Ragna✰ @ragna1x. 6h #SpotifyWrapped isn't enough, i want an excel spreadsheet of my listening habits 57 17 2.2K 13K 195 ↑
  • 30
    Sydney✰ @CountVolpe 2d The person at Apple who designed the new layout for the photos app should be imprisoned 2K 17 27K 218K 4.5K ↑ Most relevant replies ✓ Sydney @CountVolpe. 2d I feel like I'm in the da vinci code trying to find my screenshots folder 62 17386 14K Il 351K ☐ 1
  • 31
    Jack Forge ❤ @TheJackForge I asked my Korean coworker what was going on in South Korea today. 10:08 Jun Kim (Java Asian) > Hey what is going on in South Korea today? not sure playing league of legend They declared martial law or something? league of legend
  • 32
    incognito southern @iamandyholt you couldn't get US congress to vote like this on 1+1 being 2 BNO BNO News NEWS @BNONews 1d BREAKING: South Korea's parliament votes 190-0 to lift martial law 11:33 AM 12/3/24 3M Views 103 17 8.8K 150K 2.2K 企
  • 33
    tate @50FirstTates not the time, iphone Replay You threw away our entire relationship for a random gCongratulations Subject + Message Read 2:46 PM The I'm ΞΑ QW E R T Y U ○ P A S DF G HJ K L N Х CVBN NM <☑ 123 space 2:47 PM · 12/3/24 · 4M Views 466 14K return 216K ☐ 5.3K 企
  • 34
    kelsey @sexytwerp its okay no worries Pop Base @PopBase. 1d South Korea President Yoon says he's "very sorry" for causing anxiety with his declaration of martial law. 9:23 PM 12/6/24 12M Views 409 1725K 504K 9.9K ↑
  • 35
    TokyoSunbather @tokyosunbather bought a full prosciutto and have actually nowhere to put it and my dogs are losing their mind. this was a mistake 9:29 PM 12/6/24 3.9M Views 803 17 2.5K 109K 3K 企
  • 36
    Shell @Shellerina_ My curse was lifted do you want to hang out 1:16 PM - 11/27/24 2.7M Views 135 17 20K 105K ☐ 6.4K

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